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Thread: Family Fun Jokes - Post Them Here

  1. #11
    Expert jammygreeny
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    what is the first question asked on a scally quiz night?
    "Wat u lookin at?"

  2. #12
    Contributor Ralf
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    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
    Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying git! You've been playing golf!".


  3. #13
    Contributor Ralf
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    An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while. he grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him,..."we're not getting out until you leave!" The old man frowned and said..."I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

    Holding up the bucket he said, ......."I'm here to feed the alligator.

    Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.!

  4. #14
    Jim
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    Enthusiast Jim
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    Halloween Party

    A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
    doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:


    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

    Very truly yours,

    Acme Costume Co.


    The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
    wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:


    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
    wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

    Very truly yours,

    Acme Costume Co.


    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
    wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:


    Dear Sir,

    Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
    your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

    Very truly yours,

    Acme Costume Co
    If the Eskimos have a thousand different words for "snow," does this
    mean the French have a thousand different words for "surrender?"

  5. #15
    Contributor johnstrath
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    Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    It went down the road and turned into a field.

  6. #16
    Contributor Shazzab
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    Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
    dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
    girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
    like to go out and make love for the first time.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
    he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
    pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
    everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
    he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
    insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
    busy, it being his first time and all.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
    meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
    meet my parents, come on in!"
    * * * * * * * * * *
    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
    girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
    and bows his head.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
    head down.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
    leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
    were this religious."

  7. #17
    Contributor Shazzab
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    ooooppssss forgot the punch line!!!!!

    Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
    dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
    girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
    like to go out and make love for the first time.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
    he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
    pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
    everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
    he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
    insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
    busy, it being his first time and all.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
    meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
    meet my parents, come on in!"
    * * * * * * * * * *
    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
    girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
    and bows his head.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
    head down.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
    * * * * * * * * * *
    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
    leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
    were this religious."
    * * * * * * * * * *
    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
    * * * * * * * * * *

  8. #18
    Enthusiast rockhermit
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    Did you hear about the dyslexic prostitute....
















    Got a job in a Warehouse
    Incompletely Visible
    Have you ever wanted to have your important files available at more than one location?
    Check out my WWW

  9. #19
    Expert jammygreeny
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    Guy goes to the Doctors and says "Doctor Doctor I think I am constapated"
    Doctor replies "No S**t""

  10. #20
    Enthusiast caverncity
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    Tesco, Empire Stores and The Store. Sorry but they are the only jokes I know at the moment, oh and Bargain Crazy.


 

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