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Thread: Family Fun Jokes - Post Them Here

  1. #1
    Rpoints Legend Garrett will become famous soon enough
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    Family Fun Jokes - Post Them Here

    Read 'em if you like
    Add to 'em if you got 'em
    Rate 'em if you like 'em
    Move to another thread if you don't


    =========================

    This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed

    It appeared in The Otago Daily Times

    SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
    I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and Duck shooting, cosy nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

    I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (03) 475-6420 and ask for Daisy.

    Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
    Otago branch of the SPCA about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.



    ==========================

    A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again" she replied wistfully.

    On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local Theme park.

    What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the
    theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M's, her favourite sweets.

    What a time she had!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?"

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
    changed. ......

    "You f______g idiot", she replied. "I meant my dress size..."

    And the moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    (sent by a woman btw )

  2. #2
    Contributor Gnashers
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    Nice ones G>

    Did you hear about the seal that walked into a club??


    OR


    Why do cucumbers have polythene on?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    So you can eat them afterwards.
    Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself

  3. #3
    Rpoints Legend Garrett will become famous soon enough
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    A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
    As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
    broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

    In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

    "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"


  4. #4
    Contributor Gnashers
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    That is a peach.
    Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself

  5. #5
    Expert HeadHunter
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    Two man in a bar talking.

    First man: I don't know, I always get caught out sneaking in late. I open the door as quietly as possible, take my shoes off, tip-toe upstairs, pee against the side of the bowl - but no matter what I do my wife wakes-up and gives me ear-ache.

    Second Man: You should do what I do. Throw the door open, slam it shut, run up the stairs singing at the top of my voice, charge into the room and shout "Heavens! I fancy a Blow Job!!!!" Wife's always fast asleep.

  6. #6
    Expert jammygreeny
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    this is a poor joke:

    MAN "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a knitting needle"
    DOC "Hmm I'm sensing a pattern emerging here"

  7. #7
    Rpoints Legend Garrett will become famous soon enough
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    Ah come on jammy

    You must have something better than that one

  8. #8
    Enthusiast supernoodles
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    Heres a bad one!

    This bloke keeps phoning me at work saying stand and deliver.
    I keep telling him he has the wrong number but he’s adamant.


    wildbrew

  9. #9
    Expert jammygreeny
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    A woman meets a guy in a bar and she goes to his place, when she gets there she notices something weird the guy has three shelfs full of teddys. Anyway she doe not think much of it and they have a night of passion, in the morning she says "How was I?" the Guy replies "Any prize from the bottom shelf love!"

    Sorry that is poor as well and that is how I heard the joke.

  10. #10
    Expert jammygreeny
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    what do you call a 30 year old scally?
    Gran
    adamred6 likes this.


 

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