OVER 18's Jokes - Post Them Here

[dwarfer_]

Notification to all staff regarding language:
Due to the politically correct movement, employees of this store must change the language they use in the presence of customers. The following is a translation list for employee reference:

No f**king way = I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
You're f**king kidding = Really?
Who the f**k are you = Hi, we haven't met..
Tell someone who gives a f**k = Have you run that by the Manager?
No c**t told me = I wasn't involved in that project
You don't know sh*t = You seem perplexed
What the f**k do you want? = Hello, may I help you?
She's a ball-busting bitch = She's assertive
This place is f**ked = We're a bit disorganised today
Stick it up your ar*e = No thanks
You're a f**king w**ker =You are my supervisor and I respect you
You fat f**king loser =Gosh that was unfortunate!
I don't give a sh*t = I'll certainly think it over

[RudeKev]

A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.
" "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

[RudeKev]

Dear Tech Support
Last Christmas I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse
of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[dwarfer_]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.





Bitch...

[qwerty321]

English -vs- Scottish armies
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at daybreak, they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this, the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE B*STARDS".

[superwomble]

Now some of these I can see why they're in here, but most of them - Over 18s?!

[LinBaden]

Now some of these I can see why they're in here, but most of them - Over 18s?!

It refers to the age of the joke

[RudeKev]

Now some of these I can see why they're in here, but most of them - Over 18s?!

This is a new thread, the other one was open to all and I think there was a worry that younger members would see them, I think some members are still just posting jokes willy nilly without realising their are now 2 forums

[LinBaden]

Surely it's the other way round? A thread for ... erm... the more mature Rpointer who might easily be confused or offended by some of the things that young people today are so blasé about.
Us old gits have to be protected aganst corruption you know. And I'm not sure if "willy" is acceptable in this thread

Anyway, it's not working.... at least one of the posters is not yet 18, let alone visitors. (You thought I'd forget when you got you driving licence? Hah!). Disgraceful I call it Kids today - I ask you!

Spose I'd better post an adult joke :
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video shop and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video shop to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Shop assistant: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde says "It's called 'Head Cleaner."

[LinBaden]

Two blondes walk into a department store. They go up to the perfume counter and Tracey picks up a sample bottle. She sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Sharon?’

Sharon takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Tracey.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this point the assistant intervenes. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Tracey takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Sharon again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’