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Thread: OVER 18's Jokes - Post Them Here

  1. #21
    Rpoints Elite LinBaden
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    See what I mean? If there's one sure way to attract under 18s it is to say "Over 18's only" Ta for the ratings kids!

    Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob. (BTW they were both over 18.)

    "Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't
    want all the nitro in the boot to explode."

    "Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box
    under the seat . . . "

  2. #22
    Contributor morrow56
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    Gay man says to his partner ''I fancy a tattoo''

    Partner says that would be really cool

    Gay man goes to tattooist for tattoo

    Tattooist says ''Take your pick there's hundreds of examples on the wall''

    Gay man says ''Muhammed Ali - he's always been my hero''

    Where do you want it done says tattooist

    On my left bum cheek says Gay man

    Goes home after tattoo is done

    Shows tattoo to his partner

    ''That looks great'' says partner, ''but it seems unbalanced with one on the left cheek and none on the other''

    Gay man says ''I'll go back and get the other cheek done then''

    Gay man goes back to tattooist for the other one

    Tattooist says ''Take your pick I have hundreds of examples''

    Gay man looks at wall again ''Mike Tyson - I have always thought he was great''

    Gets Tyson on other bum cheek

    Goes home to show partner

    Partner screams when the trousers are dropped to show both tattooed bum cheeks

    ''If you think I'm going into the Ring with those two you have got another thing coming''

  3. #23
    Enthusiast Buster_350
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    and the weater today -

    Huntingdon - cloudy
    Cambridge - wet
    Norwich - hail
    Ipswich - minus 5
    Mecca Games

    Bring Back REX

  4. #24
    Contributor dwarfer_
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    Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a petrol station that had been closed for the night.

    They approached one of the pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The petrol pump, (of course), didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

    The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; You really don't want to make him mad!"

    "Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion.
    A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

    "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.

    "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien.

    "When a guy has a pr*ck he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

  5. #25
    Contributor _Tizzy_ is on a distinguished road
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    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

    The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of Champagne , too!"

    "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating."

    "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

    "What a coincidence!" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

    "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my Gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

    "What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

    "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

    "I used a different cock," he replied.

    The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. . .'
    * * * * *
    * * * *
    * * *
    * *
    *
    God made men first, but then he had a better idea.

  6. #26
    Legend & Competitions Guru RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute
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    2 rpoint mods were talking at the bar, First one says "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
    His mate said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
    So the that's what the mod did. The next day at the bar his mate said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
    "Yes, I did," said Joe.
    "Did she like it?" His mate asked.
    "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
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    Wiina of the Presstidgeous Comedy award

  7. #27
    Contributor dwarfer_
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    A man goes to a prostitute and asks what he can have as he only has £20.
    The prostitute replies "For that you get a snowstorm".
    The man is baffled as he has never heard of a snowstorm, but not wanting to appear naive, he agrees and hands over the money.

    After tucking the cash safely away, the woman kneels down, unzips his trousers, and proceeds to give him a bl*w j*b. The man finishes and then does up his zip.

    "Great!" he says "but what has that got to do with a snowstorm?"
    The woman gets to her feet, looks him sqare in the face, and blows a long raspberry.

  8. #28
    Enthusiast evilgenius
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    One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

    ---

    A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

    When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

    Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

  9. #29
    Enthusiast evilgenius
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    Wife answers door to stranger
    A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door shut.
    The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she has a vagina and see what happens. The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady do you have a vagina?" to which she says, "Yes, I do."
    The man then tells her, "Well then tell your husband to make use of it and stay away from my wife."
    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

  10. #30
    Enthusiast evilgenius
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    A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

    "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
    When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
    "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane


 

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