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Thread: OVER 18's Jokes - Post Them Here

  1. #1
    Contributor _Tizzy_ is on a distinguished road
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    OVER 18's Jokes - Post Them Here

    M&M's

    An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
    One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

    "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
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    God made men first, but then he had a better idea.

  2. #2
    Contributor _Tizzy_ is on a distinguished road
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    A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
    The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

    The brother thought about it and apologized.

    "So how's Mom?" asked the man.

    "She's on the roof and won't come down."
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    God made men first, but then he had a better idea.

  3. #3
    Contributor _Tizzy_ is on a distinguished road
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    A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
    "Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

    Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
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    God made men first, but then he had a better idea.

  4. #4
    Contributor dwarfer_
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    A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

    "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

    The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

    The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

    No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

    "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's b*lls off the cold floor.

  5. #5
    Legend & Competitions Guru RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute RudeKev has a reputation beyond repute
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    After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said,
    "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered,
    "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?' " So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said,
    "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said,
    "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
    10,000 posts
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  6. #6
    Enthusiast imatonkatoo
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    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years"

  7. #7
    Enthusiast evilgenius
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    Funny One-Liners

    100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    A day without sunshine is like, night.
    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
    A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
    All generalizations are false, including this one.
    All men are idiots, and I married their King.
    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
    Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
    Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

  8. #8
    Contributor _Tizzy_ is on a distinguished road
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    A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

    "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

    "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

    "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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    God made men first, but then he had a better idea.

  9. #9
    Contributor _Tizzy_ is on a distinguished road
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    First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

    Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

    The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

    She does and gets a cookie.

    The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

    Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

    The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

    Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

    He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

    The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
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    God made men first, but then he had a better idea.

  10. #10
    Contributor _Tizzy_ is on a distinguished road
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    This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny
    wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is
    being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little
    closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the
    dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly.
    Going up to the kid, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there,
    but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's
    neck."
    "Yeah," the kid replied."But I wouldn't have a siren."
    RudeKev likes this.
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    God made men first, but then he had a better idea.


 

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